2018 - The Year of Suck

I jokingly started calling 2018 “The Year of Suck” several years later, in hindsight. I know it was rough while I was going through it, but I really had no idea how the major events of that year would shape me.

 

Christmas Eve 2017 my Grandpa went to the hospital. We got the news just as we arrived back home from visiting him. Something about the call didn’t sit well. A few days later I decided I better go back and see him again, just in case. I packed some stuff, say goodbye to Kyle and the kids, and left. I didn’t know how long I would be gone, but I knew I had to go.

I visited Grandpa a couple of times while he was in the hospital, but my last visit was truly a blessing. When I got there hospital that night he was fidgety and wasn’t really thinking clearly. I asked him if he had prayed the rosary yet today, he said no, so I asked if he would like to. He jokingly asked, “Who is going to lead it? You?!” I told him I might not know all the parts, but I would try. As soon as I started, he calmed down and said all the prayers. When we finished praying, I kissed him and told him good night, and I knew that was the last time I would ever talk to him again.

 

I woke up early on July 4 by a call from my sister-in-law. Kyle‘s other sister Kim had been in the hospital near end of life, and today was probably the day. If we wanted to say goodbye we better come soon. Kim had been battling alcoholism for years and no matter what we tried we couldn’t save her. We had been saying goodbye to her slowly for years but this was just so final. It was awful. It was the culmination of so many years of trying to help her and so many tears, and arguments, and love. All of it. Now she was free from the awful disease that had such a tight hold on her for so long. The Fourth of July will forever have a different meaning for me. Freedom means a lot of different things.

 

September 5

It was a regular day at work, until it wasn’t. I suddenly found myself standing in the parking lot sobbing. My mom called to tell me that one of my little cousins was killed in a car accident. He was in his work truck and got hit by a train. The immensity of the impact of the accident itself was equally matched by the immensity of my sorrow. Scott was an only child. He grew up just down the street from us. His parents have always been close to us, and they go out of their way to do things for my kids, even though we live a couple of hundred miles away.

The wake was awful. I remember sitting in the back of the room just watching my aunt and uncle greet all the guests, and just aching for them. Scott was their everything. They are two of the nicest people I know, and now they have to go through this. Just why?

 

December

In the weeks leading up to Christmas I started having gut issues. I even enlisted the help of one of my friends who is a wellness coach. I couldn’t figure out what it was that was causing the pain. I decided to just try to eat clean to see if that would help.

We went up north for Christmas at my Grandmas. I put things on my plate that I knew I shouldn’t, but I just couldn’t pass up the homemade stuffing, you know? And guess what? The next day I was fine. I had built up so much stress and worry about what that first Christmas would be like without Scott and Grandpa that I actually made myself sick. But you know what, it wasn’t like that at all. Yes, we all missed them, but we also shared stories about them and remembered them with love. It was a good day.

See, I grew up in a pretty Catholic family. Lots of aunts and uncles, tons of cousins. I remember kneeling over a chair in the living room as a kid while grandpa led the rosary. I sang in the church choir for EVERY MASS of holy week for years. I wet to Catholic school for 16 years. But it wasn’t until that Christmas that I realized with my faith meant to me, and the peace that it eventually brought me. I still miss them all, and sometimes shed a tear for them, especially lately.

So yes, 2018 was the Year of Suck, but from that I realized that if it wasn’t for my faith I could’ve ended up in a really bad place. And I would be lost without my family and their love. And those two things will carry me through the rest of my life.